Control Freak

For the record, I dont think it mattered how old I was when it happened. I've been told of all kinds of studies that suggest adult kids adjust to it better than small kids, and the long term effects on and adult aren't as great...or something. But I, for one, am not up for debating who's experience is worse...a 4 yr old? or...well, someone, let's say, in the last year of their twenties. As it stands, for another month, I am in that year. At any age, it is completely out of the child's control, and that, in its self is a struggle!

Before "the event that happened with my parents that I still find so ridiculous I shall not speak it out loud, ever, to anyone," I fancied myself to be quite mature, emotionally stable, super self-confident, pretty...well, yes, darn it, I had my stuff together!! But when this life altering, faith shattering, God questioning moment hit, there really was nothing I could do to fix it. It is not a respecter of person...age or life status. Even with a cute husband, perfectly wonderful kids, amazing friends, a nice house in the suburbs, it sucked!! Hurt so bad it knocked me to the ground in a way that made me feel like I might never get back up...and even if I could, why would I? It's crazy, the giant hold on me the pain and hurt had taken. Well, really, it hadn't taken hold of me at all, I had been quick to turn myself right in; to latch the chains of anger, self-absorption, and despair right around my own wrists. I was happy to throw my hissy fit that things were absolutely not going the way I thought they should, and I hated it!! It wasn't even until I started to rise from the egomaniacal fog I so easily ushered in that I began to see how tightly I was bound, how much freedom and life I had lost.

It occurred to me one morning that it had been a month since I had taken my kids to school. A month!! Actually, I'm quite certain I wasn't out of bed before they were eating lunch...hey, their lunches??....how had they been getting lunches in their lunch boxes!?! And where had the food come from that went inside? Forget cleaning, I'm already the world's worst house wife, so how was it that we had not developed a serious mice infestation, nor did the bathrooms require hazmat suits, and how in the world did everyone still have clean socks!?

I also had about 17 unreplied emails, 3 missed coffee dates, and luckily for me, the kindest, most gracious friends. I have some of the most truly, incredible friends. The kind that say they'll pray for you, and then actually do. Friends who send you kind, encouraging words and powerful, on-point scriptures, aren't offended if you don't reply more than, "thank you," and still keep sending them!!

One evening, a few months in, as I was reading one of those very scriptures, Psalms 139:1-18; (David's prayer to God about how intimately God knows every detail of him, inside and out.) I looked up and saw my sweet husband, smiling at me...and folding laundry. Yup, there I was sitting on my phone, in my own self-pity, for months on end, but there he was, being wonderful, keeping the world spinning on its axis, and still loving me through it. Every single second. In the far too frequent seconds that I hadn't been the kindest person to him, he was there, on my side, picking me up when I didn't want to get back up. And at that moment God breathed in my heart..."I do know you, inside and out. And I knew you'd be right here, where you are today. And I know him, inside and out. And thats why he's right here, right by your side, today. Trust him. Trust Me!" Well, ok then!!

Now, I'm not saying all the hurt, disappointment, and pain disappeared. It's still a process, a daily journey. It's ups and downs of one day, "ok, I recognize it is what it is." and another day, "Nope! That's unacceptable!" But in that moment, I knew I now have to choose to take steps forward, stop looking back, and let go of the things I can't fix or change. I'm learning I can't be in control of everything, all the time...and, for me, that's pretty tough. But I'm trusting that the God of the universe, who loved me enough to take care of little details, like a man who folds laundry, makes lunches, and loves me anyway, also cares about the big stuff in my life too. He hasn't let me fall without helping me get back up. Even in the darkest depths of my pain, He's pulled me back on solid ground. And for that, I am learning, ever so slightly, to trust and even, rarely, enjoy the fact that there are things in my happy, little life that are completely out of my control.

Bloggers Block!

So, I started a blog, wrote two rather lovely posts (in my opinion) and then .... I stopped. Quit, would actually be the apropos word here. Partly I quit because my computer was terrible, and I was hoping for a new one for my bday (which I did indeed receive. Thanks, Ace!!). Partly I quit because I got a little overwhelmed with the idea of coming up with funny, witty things to say to my very few readers. But mostly I quit, because I didn't make the time, nor did I force myself to make the time. What's that phrase they use?!?! Oh, yes...self-discipline!! I'm terrible at that. I am such a creature of habit and have a very routine way in which I "do life". That being said, if I don't force something new into my daily routine, I just won't do it. There are two parts to being a cluttered perfectionist when it comes to my "To Do" lists, 1. is my brain spins in 7 different directions at all times. I'm a great multitasker, I can usually keep lots of plates spinning at once...but 2. if I'm not going to do it right, I'm not going to do it at all...so, sometimes the things I really enjoy, just don't get done! I'll wait and put it off until I can give it the full effort I think it deserves. So here I go, *sigh* making that effort.
But as I sat down to type this evening, I was suddenly crippled with anxiety and a bit of embarrassment. Now that I hadn't blogged for several weeks was I just supposed to type, "Hello, it's Whitney again, I started blogging, then I stopped, but I really enjoy it, so now I'm back...so please still read me?" SO LAME!!! But I guess that's all there is to say. So hopefully you will be patient with me as I slowly force this new thing I love into my routine!! What's that word, again?!? Oh, yes...discipline!!
Is there ever anything you really enjoy but miss out on because you either can't or won't make the time??

Today a member of our family went off to college. Melisa Shell moved into our home on April 30, this Spring. At the time we were glad to have an extra room to spare and excited to get to know a college student who needed a place to crash for the summer. We thought it would be good to give as so many have given to us, it would be super fun because, we're fun, interesting people, right?, and that maybe we'd teach her a few life lessons along the way...ya, I know...What our super prideful selves didn't expect was all the things she'd actually teach US, that by the time she left, we'd be the ones who felt like we were given a really great gift, and yes, that we're not really that fun or interesting.

We took some cookies tonight to her new apartment to "welcome" her home and on the way back to our house we talked about all things we learned from her this summer. My son, of course, said he learned that walking around in your underwear making loud boy noises is not ok. A great life lesson that I'm glad our 8 yr old learned young. My sweet girl said she learned she should stop throwing fits and saying not nice things because Melisa might hear her. I think Ace and I could agree with this one. Marital spats and disagreements can get tricky when trying to live out the "a soft answer turns away wrath" example to the sweet not yet married college student down the hall. But there was one resounding word we all agreed on. One simple word that sums the whole experience up: Share.

"Melisa taught us to share!"

We learned to share the basic things, the things that couldn't be avoided. The kids shared their bathroom with her. We shared a fridge, the pantry, the washing machine, and the DVR. Quickly we were friends and shared recipes, hair tips, favorite blogs, and inside jokes. But most importantly, and before we even realized it, she became our family and we shared our lives. Our real, true, messy, wonderful lives. The awesome things and the terrible things. The things that made us laugh and the things that made us cry. Melisa reminded us of something that we needed reminded of. That the fullest way to live is to be in true communion with God and with each other. To be willing share the thoughts, feelings, and details...the "everything" in our lives. This is what she left us with. Our hearts are ever grateful for the experience we shared this summer. And we will miss her tons. Thanks, Melisa for all you taught us...we love you! 

*PS....she's also a super fantastic blogger who inspired me to finally put all my thoughts on paper. You should follow her if you don't already...pienthesky.blogspot.com

Busy

There is so much happening in my world today, that it seemed only appropriate that I also find the time to squeeze in my very first post. Why not put one more thing on my list?!?! That's how I like things, right? Busy. Busy is one word that describes me well. I enjoy staying busy. I don't really know how to sit still or stay home or stop moving. It was ingrained in me at a young age, and it's now just what I do. Constantly finding new things, new friends, and new experiences to keep me "busy." Think someone should throw a dinner party to get to know the new neighbors in town? I'm your girl. Suddenly have a free lunch open and want a friend that will meet you on the fly? I'm there! Need an extra project handled at work? Be sure to call me.

I've had so many people tell me, "How do you stay so busy? Aren't you tired? Are your kids worn out?" And my instant reaction is to want to punch them in the face and yell something like, "Well, maybe you're just lazy!" But instead I say, "It's just who I am." I've tried to feel guilty for it, but I don't. I've tried to slow down and take it easy, but that just gets me into trouble. Does it sometimes make me a crazy lady with too much on my plate? Sure. Am I at times stressed by the multitude of things to get done in one day? Absolutely. But for now I've realized, I'm just totally ok with all of that. I am content, no I'm thrilled, with being a busy lady. It challenges me, it sharpens me, and it makes me who I am. It keeps me constantly spiraling forward and not having time to look back with regret or wonder. It encourages me to say yes to new opportunities and walk thru open doors that come my way, even if I'm a little scared. I continue daily to grow so much as a wife, mom, and friend by the people, experiences, and moments in time that I so easily could have missed if I didn't allow myself to be "busy." A wise friend used to always say, "If you're not growing, you're dying," and it's forever been one of my life mottos. So maybe one day I'll stop running a little short on sleep and maybe, just maybe I'll get tired of all the juggling. But for now, I think I'll keep on growing!